The Beer Goggler Says: Holly Madison would have been the perfect girlfriend in high school. If she would have gone out with you for just three minutes, everyone would have thought you were a big stud. Instead, everybody probably thought you didn’t like girls. I used to tell everyone that I was dating some hot college chick. No one believed me because I was a loser. I was pretty clever though. I carried a picture from some magazine around in my wallet that was signed “Miss You, Sex Machine, Love Lauren.†Of course, my imaginary girlfriend couldn’t sign it, so I had Hairy Lou at the pizza parlor sign it. He had really feminine handwriting for some reason. One afternoon, I told everyone Lauren was calling me on the payphone because she wanted to know what to pick up at the Sex Store. By some miracle the phone rang when I happened to be standing beside it. As expected, someone grabbed the phone out of my hand and started talking to the babe on the other end. After about thirty seconds the dude screamed out “There really is a hot chick on the other end!†The crowd that had gathered roared and dudes started high-fiving me. I will always owe Grandma for helping me become the biggest stud in school. The only downside was that Grandma’s older friends kept calling me months afterwards. I lost my virginity during this time and have never spoken about it until now. The only reason I made it through my love making with Gladys is because I pictured Lauren’s face. She looked a lot like Holly…
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