The Beer Goggler Says: I am just as shocked as you are to find out that the lovely, tight bodied Songbird has a huge crush on me. In hindsight, I should have known. I mean, even though there weren’t any phone calls, love letters, little notes in my lunch box, back rubs, making sweet love on the kitchen table, living room floor, basement stairs or on the hood of my Pacer, I should have known. It was so obvious. Anyway, now I know. I am looking forward to her calling me and asking me out. I mean, any girl that is willing to tattoo a Dude’s name into her bosom must be totally hot for him. And I am going to reap all the rewards. Imagine all the dirty things she probably wants to do to me. She is going to turn me into a giant sweaty mess. And then we’ll have a spring wedding. Don’t you think Mrs. Katy Beer Goggler has a nice ring to it? Good answer. Do you want to be my best man? I’ll let you make out with my new fiancé…

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The Beer Goggler Says: The credit crisis has hit everyone fast and hard. I thought that I was immune because all my money was invested in about 10,000 beer bottles that I had saved in a large big rig trailer behind my penthouse. Unfortunately, I didn’t really think about someone driving up in a big rig, hooking up the trailer and driving off with my nest egg. I am one hell of a resilient Dude, however. In order to make my fortune back I started an adult film production company. My first feature film stars the lovely Audrey Bitoni. I am the director. The cameraman, some joker named Steven, begged me for a job to work on my set. He was very good at convincing me that he wanted to learn everything he could about film making from the best. I believed him because he seems like a very bright kid. And who am I to argue with him even though he knows shit about making blockbuster movies. Anyway, here are a few shots from the set. I am pretty sure an AVN Award is in my future…

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The Beer Goggler Says: Great. Now my phone is going to be ringing off the hook. I told Miss Alyssa that it was over and that she should just let me go. I warned her that it would be very hard on her, but that it was for the best. She seemed to be handling things fairly well until now. Now she let out the world’s greatest secret. Can you really blame her, though? I mean, look at me. I’m the hottest guy on the planet. And an exquisite lover to boot. My Grandma always warned me that I would leave a trail of beautiful ladies in my wake. She once said “Sweetie, if you are anywhere as good at knocking boots as Grandpa was, you are going to make a lot of girls very happy.” And apparently Grandma was right. Look at poor Alyssa begging me to come back. Deuce Bigalow and I were both given great gifts. Who are we to waste those gifts? Alyssa, I’ll call you, Baby. Just don’t go telling anyone what we like to do with the tooth brush, tire pump and vacuum cleaner nozzle when we’re really drunk…

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