One day old man named Stumpy and his wife, Martha, go to the Illinois State Fair. There they see this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy, excited at the thought of flying in a small plane, looks to Martha and says, “Martha, I think I really should try that.”

Martha replies, “I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills to pay, and you know that money is tight, and $10 is $10.” So Stumpy reluctantly goes without.

Over the next few years they return to the fair each year, and it’s the same thing - Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no. Then one year, when Stumpy and Martha are both 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, “Martha, I’m 70 now, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that airplane.” Martha replies in the same old fashion and Stumpy slumps down utterly disappointed.

The pilot, standing near by, overhears the conversation. Feeling for pool old Stumpy the pilot pipes up, “Excuse me folks, I couldn’t help but hear your situation and I have a deal for you.  I’ll take both of you up together and, if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I’ll give the ride for free. But, if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.” Martha and Stumpy look at each other and agree to take the ride.

The pilot then takes them up and immediately starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot then goes on another round. No sound. The pilot decides to land the plane. After he is on the ground he looks back at Stumpy and says, “Sir, I have to hand it to you, you didn’t make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.”

Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, “Well, I was going to say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!”

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A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s Bar?”

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes his drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes his second martini he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring a third double martini. Finally the bartender can’t take it any longer.

“Look, buddy, I’ll bring you martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you keep looking inside your shirt pocket before you order another drink.”

The customer looks at the bartender and replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

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Little Johnny was minding his business wandering about the house when he heard something strange coming out of his Mom and Dad’s bedroom. Curious, Johnny decides to peek in and see what was going on. To his amazement he sees his father bending his mother over the bed giving it to her as hard as he can. Shocked, Johnny storms out of the room and runs into his Grandmother’s room.

Johnny’s Dad realizes that he better go check on Johnny and explain things. As his father walks into Grandma’s room to talk to him he sees Johnny bending Grandma over the bed giving it to her with everything he has. Johnny’s Dad yells “What the hell son?”

Without missing a beat Little Johnny replies “It’s not so fucking funny when it’s your Mom is it?”

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